Weekends, I dread them now. They are like sadistic tormentors giving the tortured a taste of delicious water then stopping it and making them feel the full weight of the pain.

Every time it happens: you go to prison for five days, get two days off, do something for yourself, listen to yourself, feel something - and just as you get close to figuring it out, off you go.. Monday's here.

The usual routine happening. You’re treated like a robot. Them using your brain the whole day, you won't even have the energy to continue the figuring out that got disturbed because tomorrow in less than twelve hours you are back in the prison again. By Thursday, you get used to it and, in fact, start liking it or to be honest, start feeling nothing.

It's like being hypnotized to only care about the things they want you to care about. They don't want your sense of self, your inner connection, your emotions or your cries. Why would they? It's just unproductive. Come on, girl you gotta be more like machines.

So you say okay. Soon, it feels like you've got the hang of it. You are in the flow. You start liking coming early, hearing compliment for doing a brilliant job, going to lunch with those colleagues of yours who are all pretending they're someone else. You clock out, you rush off to another activity. Why? Because, you gotta work on yourself. There's so much you haven't learnt yet. If you don't know enough, no one will want you. No one will accept you into their prison force you into compulsory lunches with people you don't give a damn about.

Okay, activity is done, we're done for the day. You must rush to catch the train so you aren't late getting home and so you don't waste precious money on stupid food just to survive the night. Awesome, made it on time, found a seat. It's okay, your body is screaming stop sitting down! Don't listen to it, she'll get used to it. (You'll compensate with a slightly longer walk on Sunday).

Train is good. It's warm. It's quiet. Oh-oh. What's going on? You're letting thoughts in that shouldn't be here. Thoughts like how you’re feeling, how's your body doing. Stop them there. They're too much now.

Where are my headphones? Play "Beni Bırak".

Starts playing, thank God now I can be free from them and faster make it to home, shove food down just so your stomach feels full, and crash.

The next day. Sun hits your face. You panic and try to remember if you missed the work today and curse your alarm for failing you. Then, you check the date on your phone.

Goddammit. It's Saturday!

Back to circle one. What the hell am I supposed to do with myself right now?